Joe Biden: Folks, I just came here from the Nevada caucuses, a few hours before the votes were counted, and I am really glad to be with you here, in the Carolinas, and not over there. Which Carolina is this, by the way? North or South? Oh, right. As I was saying, I am glad to be here, in South Carolina. What’s the name of the town we’re in? Does anyone know? Oh, right. Orangeburg. What a weird name for a town . . . But it’s OK, I am used to meeting people from all kinds of towns with weird names. No joke!
You’ve probably heard by now that things were going exactly according to plan in the Nevada primary. I mean, in the New Hampshire primary. We never thought that we would win anything in New Hampshire, not even a participation trophy. So I am proud to tell you—we were right, we didn’t win a damn thing over there. I told everyone who would listen that Iowa would be a big bust for me, and New Hampshire would be an even bigger bust. It goes without saying that I was right.
Of course Iowa was a bust—how the hell does anyone expect me to win in a state that’s full of white people? I’m being serious!
New Hampshire is just as bad—nothing but white people up there. So the plan all along was to lose in both Iowa and New Hampshire, and then, after losing multiple times, to win here, in the Carolinas, because this is where the heart of America is, and one of the two Carolinas is my springboard to victory.
“Losing Iowa and New Hampshire Is the Opening Bell”
Folks, what we need to do is fight for the soul of America. It ain’t over man! Forget Nevada. I mean, New Hampshire. It never happened. I don’t even remember it happening, and I was just there. I already blocked it out in my mind. The fact of the matter is, we’re just getting started! And the fight begins here, in North Carolina! I mean, here, in South Carolina! We can’t let Trump have four more years—if he has four more years, many of you African Americans in the audience would start voting for Republicans, and we can’t have that! No joke!
Where I come from, losing Iowa and New Hampshire is the opening bell, not the closing bell, and the real fight to end Donald Trump’s presidency will begin after I lose the Nevada caucuses.
I’m definitely rarin’ to go, to defeat Donald Trump. Four more years of Trump will fundamentally alter the character of this nation. And if there is one thing that we all can agree on, it’s that we should never let our nation’s character be altered to a point where black folks vote for folks like those Republicans.
They are nasty people, the Republicans, always talking about jobs, opportunities, the dignity of work, the importance of family—I know that none of you here in the audience cares about that sort of nonsense, but some weaker minds among you North Carolina persons of color might succumb to the temptation and vote Republican. Well, I am here to tell you—as long as I am the most electable candidate, and I am definitely more electable than anybody, that will never happen. No joke!
Now, folks, I know there are a lot of issues of concern to the black community here in North . . . I mean, South Carolina. It is South Carolina, right? Right. Good. Just making sure.
“I Am a #MeToo Victim”
But the first issue that I know you’re all concerned about is those false reports about how I used to go swimming in the nude in the swimming pool at one of my houses, and the female Secret Service agents had some issues with that. Let me tell you something: it is completely untrue. And when I say “untrue,” I mean, totally false.
Not a single female Secret Service agent has ever told me that she found it offensive, having to protect me while I swam in the nude in my pool. I can’t imagine why any of them would have any issue with it in the first place. I’m being serious! What female wouldn’t want to see me swim in the nude? I have one hell of a sexy bod—I work out regularly, I do push-ups, I do sit-ups, I even do other things that I won’t discuss right now—and most of those exercises feel much better when I am naked. So it’s only natural that I would go swimming naked, too.
The fact of the matter is, I can see why maybe some of them had the hots for me, but they knew I would say no—so they made up these stories about my swimming in the nude made them uncomfortable. What I am trying to say here is that I am a #MeToo victim, and that’s the God’s honest truth.
And folks, this whole swimming in the nude thing in front of female Secret Service agents reminds me of my trip to Afghanistan to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to a lieutenant who was fighting the Iranian bad guys there, in the Mekong Delta. We flew in on Air Force Two, which I personally piloted. That’s why I always wear those aviator shades—to remind people that I am an ace aviator. No joke!
Then we flew from the capital of Afghanistan, whatever it is called, to the mountains, and I was wearing my shades the whole time. Naturally, I was the one who piloted the helicopter, because who else can be trusted to pilot both Air Force Two and helicopters, if not me?
The Ukrainian bad guys were shooting at us, and they even fired a few missiles at my helicopter, but thanks to my skill as a pilot, we were fine. Did I say Ukrainian bad guys? I meant, Iranian bad guys. No, that’s not what I meant. I meant, Iraqi ones. And other bad guys, too.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter who they were, I can never keep those countries straight. The point is, they were bad, but thanks to my efforts, we got there in one piece, so that I could pin that Purple Heart on that Navy corporal while under sniper fire from the Viet Cong.
Let me tell you something: it was one of the proudest moments of my life, because the courage that I showed by coming to Afghanistan in the first place was just amazing, and you have my word as a Biden on that. I’m serious!
“No Gun Should Have 50 Clips in It, Not Even 30 Clips”
Now, folks, speaking of Ukraine, I think it is really horrible what the Republicans have said about me and my son, Hunter. Hunter is one of the smartest people you’ll ever meet. Everyone agrees on that. He’s a real brainiac, a real bright guy. He is almost as smart as I am, by every measure, and I have the highest IQ in the Solar System. And that means that my son Hunter has the second highest IQ in the Solar System, and that is exactly why that Iranian company hired him to be on their board. I mean, that Ukrainian company. One of those. Right.
They just needed a really bright guy on their board, and they couldn’t find anybody bright in Ukraine, for that matter, so naturally they turned to Hunter. And that’s really all there was to it—nothing to see here. No joke!
And folks, you know and I know that gun violence is the number one issue of our time, after abortion and transgender reassignment surgery. Oh, and after climate change. So gun violence is the number one issue after those other number one issues. But on the subject of guns, I have been 100 percent consistent throughout my entire 75-year political career, except, of course, when I needed to run for reelection: I oppose guns that have 20, 30, 40 or even 50 clips in them. No joke! The more clips in a gun, the more dangerous it is.
No gun should have 50 clips in it, not even 30 clips. I draw the line at 19 clips in a gun—that’s the maximum number of clips that any gun should be allowed to have. There is no reason for any person to shoot more than 19 clips from his gun at any given time. So I have always opposed the NRA, which wants guns with 20 clips or more in the hands of people. I’m being serious!
And here is another thing, folks. There is a publication out there called American Greatness, even though there is nothing great about it, just like there is nothing great about America if I am not elected president. No joke! But the worst part is that they have some guy over there who keeps writing these parodies of me, and keeps treating me and my campaign like a pathetic joke. And this American Greatness keeps publishing them. Let me assure you—those parodies of me in American Greatness are completely off-base. I am not a joke, and neither is my campaign for the soul of America. I really wish that guy would stop making me into the butt of stupid jokes because of all the things I say.
That guy who writes those parodies doesn’t know a damn thing about me. I am going all the way to the White House, and all you people of North Carolina are my firewall. We are definitely winning the state of North . . . I mean, South Carolina on February 29, and that’s the God’s honest truth. And if I were to drop out, which I have no reason to, since everything is going according to my master plan, he would have no good material for his parodies.
“Aneurysms Are a Terrible Affliction”
Now, folks, it’s not just that particular publication. Some of those other right-wing publications say that me kissing my granddaughter on the lips is a little creepy. Let me tell you something: there is literally nothing creepy about it. She is my granddaughter, after all, so what can be more normal and natural than a good, gobsmacking kiss on her mouth?
By the way, if any woman out there in the audience wants a little one-on-one time with me, like, maybe, she hasn’t been kissed in a good long while, just let my staff know, and we’ll make it work. I’m serious!
Folks, I have to be honest with you here—as someone who has suffered greatly, I know how many of you feel about your medical expenses. The fact of the matter is, as a public servant since 1965, I haven’t had to worry about medical expenses, because the U.S. government has been paying for everything in my case, but that’s not really the point.
The point is, some of you probably know that I have had two brain surgeries for aneurysms. Aneurysms are a terrible affliction, but the good news is, I am now completely cured. The doctor who did the operation even told his colleagues how amazed he was when he saw my brain, during the operation. He said it was the most remarkable brain he has ever operated on, especially since he never expected to find a brain in there in the first place. So that’s proof, if you ever needed it, that I am really the smartest guy around, and that’s why I understand your anxiety about health care—nobody should be without health care, even if they don’t need any health care.
What I am trying to say is that Barack and I passed Obamacare, which was one of my biggest achievements, and you can thank me for it.
And folks, I tried to make a speech without mentioning the fact that I was Obama’s vice president, but it just isn’t possible. A Biden stump speech wouldn’t be a genuine Biden stump speech if I didn’t remind you that yes, Barack and I were in the White House for eight years, during the Biden-Obama Administration. Those eight years were the best years in the history of America, except for some other years that were even better.
Barack and I did tremendous things during those eight years, such as . . . well, we did many things, many tremendous things . . . Barack did things . . . the things that we did . . . What I mean is, Barack and I did . . . Actually, I did things, together with Barack, to make America great . . . no, never mind that . . . Me and Barack were doing things . . . those things that we did . . . we made America gr . . . what I mean is, we made America a better place for both Americans and non-Americans. No joke!
Folks, I hate to bring up the issue of money, but I have to admit to you: things are pretty desperate. We’re running on fumes. In fact, we’re even running out of fumes, if I were being honest with you. So I know each and every one of you wants to make a donation to my campaign—and now is the perfect time. Go to my website—I can’t remember right now what it is, but I am sure you can figure it out, and give me a donation. You’ll feel much better afterwards—you have my word as a Biden on that.
Thank you, folks!